Emily and Phoebe

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Bicycle

I am teaching Emily how to ride her bike without stabilisers. Based on our first lesson together, I have drawn up a list of instructions to help her.

DO keep both hands on the handlebars at all times.
DO NOT let go of the handlebars and lunge for my throat when you feel yourself wobbling.
DO sit properly on the saddle.
DO NOT wriggle about, repeatedly shouting, “My vagina hurts! My vagina hurts!”
DO keep both hands on the handlebars at all times. (This rule bears repeating.)
DO NOT attempt to hurl yourself from the bicycle screaming, “It’s a bee! It’s a bee!” when “attacked” by butterflies or bits of fluff floating through the air.
DO NOT attempt to hurl yourself from the bicycle screaming, “It’s a bee! It’s a bee!” even when attacked by real bees. Stings are character-forming.
DO try to go in a straight line.
DO NOT keep going in a straight line when there are trees and concrete pillars in the way.
DO avoid people and pets.
DO NOT make a special point of targeting couples walking hand-in-hand through the park. They are not “asking for it”.

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